Today I had the opportunity to volunteer in my son’s classroom. This was my third time in the classroom and each time I am nervous to go (apparently kindergarteners scare me) but I’m so grateful when I leave. Seriously, kindergarteners are the best therapists in the world!
I was able to witness first-hand inclusion working for our son. He was an equal and valued part of his classroom.
It was like seeing my dreams for my son’s kindergarten experience played out in real life. My heart was filled with joy!
Any of you that follow this blog know this has not always been the case. At the beginning of the school year, I found myself caught in a constant rainstorm just hoping for a rainbow to magically appear. I was in a constant state of bracing myself for the next storm without the time or energy to dream about the future. But lately, thanks to one key change, our days have been full of sunshine and no rain. Rather than being so weighed down by the stress of what the daily report would say, our son’s successes have lighted my mind. I have even allowed myself to dream BIG thoughts of inclusion working for him well into the future.
Now each day at pick-up we bust into his backpack like it is Christmas morning, looking for the gifts of the day. Finished work, notes from the teacher that are positive and include words we have dreamed of hearing like, “participated,” “laughed,” and “knew.” He is doing it! He is a part of a kindergarten classroom with friends that engage in conversation with him; want to play with him and where he is celebrated!
One day just prior to pick-up, his class was walking back from P.E. and our son was leading the line. All of the other kids naturally slowed their pace and walked behind him content to let him lead, at his pace. My heart burst. This is inclusion. He has the power to be himself and the other kids are becoming kinder and more patient (without even realizing it). But, the beauty of it all is how naturally it happens. The kids adjust to his slower pace without giving it a second thought because he is a valued member of their class. Everybody benefits from an inclusive classroom.
I am ashamed to admit that in the first few weeks of school I would catch myself thinking of ways to help our son to “fit” into his classroom. That isn’t inclusion. Inclusion is making his classroom the best for him and his classmates so they all can succeed together. Inclusion is our son having the power to be himself and have meaningful experiences that will increase his confidence and help prepare him for the future; to live in the one world we all share.
Inclusion has been an investment. It requires a lot of time, knowledge and energy to ensure our son has all the resources he needs to succeed. It requires knowing what is best for him and not settling for anything less. But in return, there are days like today when I had the privilege of watching my dreams play out in real life. I got share my gratitude by writing an email to the principal just to say, “Thank you,” and praise the work of her team.
There is always going to be bad days, more work to be done, and improvements that can be made to make the inclusion more valuable, but days like today, feel pretty darn good.
If you feel like you are caught in a rainstorm right now, I’ve been there too. I understand the pressure you feel to do and be the best for your child. I understand the anxiety that comes with each day and the feeling that you are failing your child when things aren’t working out. I’ve been there, and I’m sure I will be there again a million times more. It’s hard and it’s tiring, but stay strong, stay confident and never give up on your child or your vision of what the future holds. Our kids WILL achieve their goals!
Quick survey. Do you like talking about your weaknesses? Nobody? How about when other people constantly analyze your every move? Silly question, right? Or worse yet, how about your child’s weaknesses being the topic of conversation at meetings and magnified constantly? Doesn’t sound like something any parent should have to endure, right? Well, any parent that has had their child evaluated for services or been in an IEP meeting can relate. It has always felt like Jackson lives his life under a microscope. At an IEP meeting recently, I was reminded several times about the dreaded microscope that magnifies and distorts. Jackson will never escape his every action and personality trait being over-analyzed and connected to his diagnosis.
Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses but most of us don’t have our weaknesses magnified, brought to the attention of teams of specialists and tracked with data. It’s human nature to focus on our individual strengths while working on our weaknesses behind the scenes; we never lead with our weaknesses. As a parent of a child with Down syndrome, my son’s weaknesses are always discussed. And then there are parts of his personality that are talked about as if they are a weakness but in reality are just part of who he is.
Jackson happens to be very introverted until he feels comfortable. If he did not have Down syndrome, I bet he would be considered shy like I’m sure several kids in his class. Instead, Jackson being shy can be perceived by people that don’t know him, as he can’t talk, he lives in his own world and he isn’t social. None of which are true, by the way.
You might have heard the stereotype that individuals with Down syndrome are always happy. Jackson is a happy boy, but he is not always happy. (Nor are any of the individuals with Down syndrome that I know) He has a full range of emotions that include: frustration, being overwhelmed, and anger. Those emotions are brought on by his environment, stress or tiredness. He, like the rest of us, should be allowed to have a bad minute, hour or day.
Raising a son with Down syndrome feels like a constant tug-of-war. The world focuses on and dissects his weaknesses and we magnify and celebrate his strengths.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand evaluations are necessary and weaknesses must be discussed, but life under the dreaded microscope can be daunting.
One of my favorite quotes is from Alvin Price, “Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry.” This is a part of my job as a Mom that I take very seriously. For our kids with Down syndrome, I think it is even more crucial because they are much more susceptible to people and situations that make holes in their buckets.
We know Jackson is delayed, but we choose to focus on all the amazing things he accomplishes. Every day we take advantage of the many opportunities to fill his bucket of self-esteem. We will continue to put his successes under our microscope and focus on those!
This school year has been a rollercoaster ride; scary, exhilarating, and there have been moments I’ve felt like I was going to puke. But at the end of this school year, as with every rollercoaster I’ve ever ridden, I will appreciate the ride, feel a sense of pride for accomplishing it and, I won’t be as scared for our next rollercoaster ride (1st grade)
Last week we had some low moments. The lowest of which was a comment from one of the individuals that work with Jackson. She said, “Jackson is around the other kids, he isn’t with them.” Those words still sting as I type them, but hearing them for the first time it felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. I anticipate the joyful day when I hear about one of his friends at school and hope and pray for friends that will be with him for the rest of his life. Just because Jackson is shy and content to play on his own, that does not mean he does not know what is going on around him. And just because Jackson talks less than other kids, doesn’t mean he isn’t listening. In fact, Jackson is the best judge of character I have ever met. He also has a keen awareness of non-verbal communication and tone of voice.
As with other moments on this journey, our rain storm this week was followed by a rainbow. Jackson, along with other kids that participate in programs at GiGi’s and would later use the toys, was invited to GiGi’s Playhouse to accept the gifts that a seven-year-old girl was donating. She had asked her guests at her birthday party to bring gifts for the Playhouse instead of birthday gifts for herself. Just being a part of this event was magical. She was so generous at such a young age.
Of course, pictures of this sweet moment were a must. All the kids and the young girl were on the stage with the beautiful blue gift bags filled with toys and games that would be donated to the Playhouse. I was a bit nervous because Jackson loves to unwrap gift bags but, I stepped away and just watched. I wish I was better about having my camera at the ready, but I seldom do, and this was no exception so I wasn’t actively involved in taking photos. (Thanks to another mom for capturing the sweet moment) I will admit, I was a bit of a stage mom telling Jackson to “say cheese.” After a few minutes of photo-taking, the most special moment happened.
As cameras were still going, Jackson spontaneously turned around to the girl that had brought the gifts and confidently started singing “Happy Birthday” directly to her.
In the midst of all the hoopla over the gifts and getting the perfect photo, Jackson brought it all back to what was most important, wishing this generous girl a happy birthday.
We weren’t there to celebrate the toys or for photos. We were there to celebrate this girl who was so generous to donate all of her birthday presents. Jackson understood that perfectly and brought the focus to her.
Reliving the moment back in my mind, my heart bursts with pride at how Jackson never once turned around during the “Happy Birthday” song. He wasn’t putting on a performance. He was genuinely wishing his new friend a happy birthday. He understood fully why we were there and was reminding all of the adults that got caught up in taking photos and talking about all the amazing gifts of the real reason. And in true Jackson fashion, as he has done before, he was showing me that inclusion is working for him. He is building his confidence and independence to participate fully in his life. And, it was as if he knew what had been said of him earlier that week and he was trying to heal my heart. I could not be more proud of Jackson for his many accomplishments, but most importantly for his heart of pure gold! I love having a front row seat to watch his confidence and independence grow. (and to prove all those doubters out there wrong!)
In your child’s eyes, you see a world of possibilities, not a diagnosis.
You wish things were easier for your child but,
Wouldn’t change one single thing about them.
You overlook weaknesses and celebrate successes, big and small!
Negative remarks from an IEP meeting replay in your head and rip your heart apart, piece by piece.
You hold back tears as teams of specialist discuss your child’s weaknesses, but refuse to stay silent because,
You are your child’s voice, a passionate advocate, and their biggest cheerleader!
You constantly doubt yourself and the decisions you make for your child but,
You are strong, confident, assertive and refuse nothing less than the best for your child.
You’d do anything to see your child smile,
And wish you could take away all the ignorance in this cruel world.
Your child has made you a more caring, open-minded and accepting person.
You constantly second-guess your words or actions on behalf of your child and
Ask yourself daily, “what more can I do to help my child?”
You want your child to have the high quality of life they deserve so badly it hurts.
You visualize the best case scenario but,
Prepare for the worst possible outcome.
Your heart bursts with joy with every spontaneous hug or kiss.
To your ears, you child’s voice is the sweetest sound in the world and,
You waited longer or are still waiting to hear their first word.
Your child says everything without saying a single word.
You have experienced higher highs and lower lows than other parents.
You know you are one of the lucky few,
and you know that without a doubt that your life is better with your child.
We are almost one month into full-inclusion kindergarten and to be honest, it’s been tough. I know the mission of 321 Inclusion is to share the positive pursuit of inclusion and I always try to keep the blog inspiring and uplifting. And, I absolutely still believe in my heart that inclusion is best for my son regardless of how hard it gets. BUT, I also have the intention of keeping this blog honest and real so it’s relatable and hopefully inspiring. So here goes, our one month update…
These first few weeks of school have been one of the most stressful, emotionally and physically exhausting times in my life. When you are advocating for your child’s quality of life, not only now, but in the future, it gets intense quick and it can over shadow the joys of the kindergarten experience. I truly believe what happens now, will help Jackson to gain the confidence necessary to be his personal best and most importantly lead a happy and fulfilling life. But no pressure, right? Enter giant stress ball! Dun, Dun, Dun…
The mornings go quickly between the medicine that needs to be taken, sensory input that needs to happen, constant reminders to keep eating breakfast, and some times a wrestling match to get clothes on one or both boys. But those moments are in my control and are not nearly as stressful as drop-off when I have to leave Jackson at school, trusting that others will pursue what is in his best interest and his IEP will be followed. And then there’s the daily communication log. Sometimes I question whether or not I even want to know about the day. Was asking for a communication log a bad idea? No. Of course, I do want and need to know. I have to know what is going on so we can celebrate Jackson for his successes and also be prepared to deal with the challenges. But, after one month of inclusive kindergarten, I can honestly say, I don’t know how I will possibly handle this whole year let alone the additional 11+years after.
I am proud to say Jackson is doing well in many areas and there has been only one unexpected challenge so far this year. Clearly, he is handling this transition better than I am. I obsess over the negative parts of the daily communication and desperately try to fix the challenges because I want so badly for inclusion to work for Jackson. As a family, we are in this for the long-haul but I can’t be so sure the school is, so challenges scare me. It’s like we are on a game show and the clock is ticking down and if we don’t come up with the right answers we will run out of time and lose the game. I fear, we will lose inclusion. The thing is, we don’t know how much time we have left or if the school is even using clock at all but we have to be prepared for both.
The feeling that no matter how much I do or how hard I work, it will never be enough has been the most daunting part of this journey so far.
Logically, I know there is only so much I can do, but that is hard for me to accept. Maybe much of the self-induced stress isn’t necessary, but it’s in my personality to obsess and worry. Maybe I’m placing too much value on an inclusive education to get us to the end goal of Jackson leading an independent, fulfilling and happy life? I have so many self-doubting questions that run through my head each day.
Today, I found myself marking on our calendar the “no school” or “half-day” school days through the end of the year. It sounds silly, but for about 10 minutes, my stress levels went down looking at all the days off. Another way I deal with stress is reading motivational quotes. One that resonates with me in regards to this journey is, “Two of the most powerful words you can hear someone say are ‘me too’.”- Rob Bell. As a mom of an awesome kid rocking an extra chromosome, it is those “me too” moments that have had the most calming effect on me. Parenting a child with Down syndrome can feel isolating and lonely but walking the path with other parents that understand your journey helps. The outpouring of support that I have received from other moms has been so uplifting and I hope I can do the same for other moms through my writing. We are not alone. Membership into the Down syndrome community has been an unexpected gift that we were given the day Jackson was born and as a result, I have met many inspiring individuals.
One friend that I have shared many “me too” moments with and is one of the best moms I know, recently tagged me in a photo that read, “Just in case nobody told you today, you are an amazing mom.” It came after a day filled with doubt, frustration, and tears. I needed it then and I would bet if you are reading this, you might need it now or at some point in the future. So to all you rock star moms out there working 24/7 to do and be the best for your child, I say to you, “Just in case nobody told you today, you are an amazing mom!” You are an AMAZING mom! You are doing enough and you are the best advocate for your child. Anytime you need a reminder, come re-read this or contact me and I will make sure you remember how amazing you truly are!
Our first full week of kindergarten brought with it some growing pains as Jackson is still working to transition from his preschool day (2.5 hours) to his kindergarten schedule (6 hours) Yes, this is a challenge for any student but for a student with Down syndrome that is already working so much harder during the school day, the transition is even more of a challenge. Along with the constant stress and worry about school, there were news stories that ripped my heart out. Iceland is using prenatal testing to eradicate all births of babies with Down syndrome and other countries are following their lead. One day these countries will not have a single individual with Down syndrome in their country. Let that sink in, they are seeking to eliminate an entire group of people based on preconceived notions of worth. It is out-dated perceptions, that by the way, hard-working self-advocates are proving false with every accomplishment, that are destroying future lives. These medical “advancements” that make it possible to detect Down syndrome earlier in pregnancies are leading us down a slippery slope. What’s next? Where does it end? And how can a test possibly predict a future or determine worth? It can’t! Compassion, empathy, and determination are characteristics that are often associated with individuals with Down syndrome. I think we all can agree, the world needs more individuals that embody these characteristics, not less.
Being a mom of a son with Down syndrome, headlines like these slap me in the face and stab me in the heart with the reality that there are millions of people in this world that view my son as unworthy of life, love or happiness. He and others like him are seen as a burden to society without anything to contribute. These ignorant opinions are out there and it is always so heartbreaking, but last week featured countless headlines celebrating the elimination of an entire group of people that are near and dear to my heart. I knew I needed to make my voice heard. You can read my response here.
Individuals with Down syndrome have the potential to do the same things we all do but they need resources and support to succeed. Every day these individuals are making valuable contributions to society and living full, productive and happy lives. Inclusion builds in individuals, like Jackson, confidence, independence and provides opportunities for meaningful experiences and relationships. The more confident individuals with Down syndrome are, the more likely they will be to engage with their community and share their full potential.
Secondly, inclusion teaches the other kids in the classroom that difference is ok, differences are something to be celebrated but in reality, individuals with Down syndrome are more alike than different. When kids grow up understanding that, they are less likely to fear Down syndrome in adulthood. And less fear equals more acceptance and inclusion. Down syndrome isn’t something that prevents a meaningful life. In fact, it has brought meaning and purpose to my life. Individuals with Down syndrome should be celebrated and valued.
Needless to say, it had already been a stormy week but the rainbow was just around the corner. I was scheduled to give a short presentation to Jackson’s class about him. What happened that morning was the most vibrant rainbow after the rain showers of that first week of school. My experience in his kindergarten classroom changed not only my outlook on this school year but also in the world and the future. I needed this morning in a class of kindergarteners to find my hope for the future and re-energize me.
I read Giraffes Can’t Dance and talked a bit about Jackson and ultimately gave the message that we all have similarities and differences but we all do things in our own beautiful way. The reason I was there (I thought) was to help the kids understand Jackson better, but I was the one that got the most out of my time in his classroom. Right before I spoke, the class did a good morning activity that nearly left me in tears. It was in that moment that I saw the purity of the hearts in that room. This was exactly where I wanted Jackson to be. They would help him and he would open hearts and minds. Even though I have spoken about Down syndrome around 20 times, I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. My favorite part was when I hesitantly asked if there were any questions and a boy shot his hand right up. I called on him and he asked,
“What other things does Jackson like to do with his family?”
I was relieved and humbled. To these kids, Down syndrome wasn’t a big deal. Jackson was just another friend in their classroom. Kids get it. This was happening at the same time that countries are striving to eliminate all individuals with Down syndrome because of fear and ignorance. Adults are leading with ignorance and kids are lead with open hearts and open minds. Inclusion gives kids the opportunity to see first-hand that Down syndrome isn’t something to be afraid of. Rather, it is just one part of who their new friend, Jackson, is. This is a valuable lesson that they will carry into adulthood and perhaps one day one of Jackson’s classmates will celebrate their own child who happens to have an extra chromosome.
After a challenging week, I needed these kids to help me see the goodness in the world. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to experience their pure hearts. I am filled with hope for this school year and for the future generations who will hopefully lead us all towards a kinder world where everybody will be included and celebrated for what makes them unique. We all could learn a lot from a room full of kindergartners!
When we got to school on the first day of kindergarten, my nerves were intense. Like constantly on the verge of tears, intense. There was a storm of emotions brewing inside of me. The clouds were dark and ready to open up with a down pour at any moment, leaving me sobbing uncontrollably. These emotions would remain at bay and merely taunt me with the occasional sprinkle, tear-filled eyes. I tried desperately to keep it together and stay strong for Jackson (and I also hate to cry). Spoiler Alert: Jackson would calm my fears.
Jackson seemed unsure he wanted to be at school and it took some coaxing to get him through the doors. The more he hesitated, the more nervous I got and the more nervous I got, the more he hesitated. It was a vicious cycle that had to end and one word did just that. “Playground.” I said to Jackson, “let’s go find the playground.” That was all he needed to hear. He walked (like he owned the place) down the hallway and through the door to the playground. He saw a ladder and immediately climbed up it. I had never seen him climb that well before and was in awe. It was like all of his physical therapy sessions had culminated in this moment. He wasn’t hesitant to join in. He knew he belonged here. He didn’t care who was looking at him, he was ready to participate. He told me loud and clear, without saying a word, “I’ve got this Mommy.”
As I stood back, beaming with pride, a feeling of calm came over me. I knew in that moment, he does, in fact, have this. I took his lead and noticed my self-confidence rose as well. I was no longer on the defensive trying to prove my son belongs here…I belong here. Instead, I was captivated by him, my son who wasn’t afraid. He sucked me into his calm world and I was memorized. He was proud of himself and happy to be on the playground with his peers and I was so proud of him that everything else faded into the background. I had tunnel vision on Jackson and stayed back to let him interact on his own. It was like I was a spectator watching my son grow-up right before my eyes. This was his story and my role in it was watching from the sidelines, cheering him on. In the classroom, I knew I was fully exposed as the mom of the child with Down syndrome but I didn’t feel the heat of eyes on my son and I like I had feared. I was too busy being Jackson’s proud mom and he is all I could focus on. Beaming with pride, the smile never left my face as he sat with his peers on his square on the carpet, doing exactly what was asked same as the other children. He was doing for me what nobody else in the world could; he was erasing the doubt in my mind and ease my nerves. He’s got this!
That morning, I had woken up early with my mind racing so I wrote down my thoughts into what I thought would be a blog about how our “bubble was about to burst.” I wrote about how this was the end of the safe, happy life we had been leading. How long gone were the days of people telling us how cute Jackson is, teachers that would hug him, or kids that wouldn’t questions why he might not talk as much or can be hard to understand. Gone was our choice to live in the naïve world where we only focused on what Jackson could do, not as much on the ways in which he is delayed. As I wrote, I continued describing the bubble we have been living in these last five years filled with happiness, pride, and love…you know all rainbows and butterflies. Somehow, I forgot about the work and struggle that we had endured in those five years and in that moment I only remembered the positive. I was determined to describe a vast contrast to the scary world we were about to enter when we step into that school today. Did I really imagine our past was all light and the future would be so dark? How could that be right, wasn’t the best yet to come? I wrote about how I felt like our lives would always be under a microscope and people would be waiting for Jackson to make a mistake so they could add it to a list and use it against us at some point.
I’ll admit it; that morning was full of anxiety and doubt. (I know, that isn’t hard to figure out) I have a talent for creating in my mind the worst case scenario. It’s funny because I also constantly find myself visualizing the last day of kindergarten when Jackson will be full of confidence, independence with increased speech that he is using to talk with his new friends. Fortunately, after being at school with Jackson that first morning, I didn’t feel compelled to finish the blog I had started. My thoughts on this year changed. I realized although the world we were about to enter was much different than the safety pre school provided; there was still plenty of love because to know Jackson is to love him. How could I have forgotten the constant in both scenarios is Jackson and he will succeed on his own accord? Once again, I was the student and Jackson the teacher. He taught me a lesson that morning when he climbed right up onto the playground with confidence that reminded me he’s got this!
Although our world is different now that we are in what can feel like a storm, full-inclusion, there were certainly moments on the first day of school that reminded me there will still be plenty of rainbows along the way. Jackson is confident in himself and he is going to thrive! He is ready to take the huge leap into kindergarten. Yes, we will have to endure some cloudy days and some rain showers, maybe even downpours but those will all lead to rainbows. Rainbows: the magic that happens after enduring the storms. Without the extra work it takes to accomplish every milestone, without the days of self-doubt and low confidence, and without criticism, we would not appreciate the beautiful moments of growth, increased independence or friendship that this year has in store for Jackson. Rainbows are one of the most beautiful wonders of nature. Their beauty is a reminder to keep pushing through the storm because there is something special waiting. For anything that is worth it, in the end, isn’t easy. This journey won’t be easy (it is already hard) but it will without a doubt be worth it (and full of rainbows too) Jackson’s got this!
Yesterday was our first “practice day” for completing our morning routine and getting to school on time. On the drive over, I felt weirdly at ease. I was so excited and thinking about what a great school year this will be that I didn’t feel even the slightest tinge of nerves. The logical part of my brain has partnered with my heart and are currently winning the battle with the “creative” part of my brain that can draw up some concerning “what if” scenarios. For our practice run, we broke out his brand new Arizona Cardinals backpack for the first time and it was the final piece that made everything click for Jackson. He smiled and was excited when we got there on as we walked up to the kindergarten entrance. On the way home, he said, “I want school today” and I said to myself, “we are going to be fine.”
With school starting in one week (YIKES!) here are some of the worries (no wait, positive vibes only) let’s say, “thoughts” instead, I have about my son starting kindergarten in a general education classroom.
What if he doesn’t click with his teacher and/or paraprofessional?
I understand this isn’t a concern unique to me and other parents of a child with Down syndrome. All parents, especially those of kindergarteners, want their child to love their first elementary school teacher. I still remember my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Brewer. She was the stereotypical kindergarten teacher with a soft, cheerful voice, reassuring smile and positivity oozing out of her head-to-toe. I desperately want Jackson to click with his teacher and para but not just because that makes for a happier kindergarten year and warm, fuzzy memories, but because it is necessary for him to succeed. For us, the “click” is imperative because with it, he will work super hard for that person and he will accomplish goals left and right. Without it, things will not go as smoothly.
Will his teacher want to have him in her classroom?
I believe the vast majority of kindergarten teachers truly want to be there every day to help shape young minds (and hearts) because let’s be honest dealing with a room of energetic 5-year-olds all day CANNOT be easy! Beyond wanting to be there each day and bringing a positive energy, we need Jackson’s teacher to want to have him (and his para) in her classroom. I understand that having an inclusive classroom carries complexities and extra work that would not otherwise be present. My hope is that he will have a teacher that will see past his diagnosis straight into his heart, wonderful sense of humor and intelligent mind. I hope for a teacher that will be excited by the world of possibilities for not only Jackson but also the rest of the students too. I hope she is motivated by his potential to grow academically and personally and truly includes him in all classroom activities. I hope she also realizes that the way she treats him is a model for her students to follow. The more she treats Jackson like the rest of the students in her classroom, the more the other students will treat him same as all their other classmates.
If his teacher doesn’t wholeheartedly believe that Jackson is an asset to her classroom and want to learn from him, I worry how well this placement will work. Will she be too easy on him and turn him into a class mascot that doesn’t have to play by the rules and won’t meet his goals? Or, will she be too hard on him and expect that he complete the work without the necessary supports and modifications to the curriculum forcing him to shut down completely. Will her expectations help to push him towards his greatest potential or make him complacent? I am grateful for all the teachers that see the ability in ALL their students and understand the importance of full-inclusion; I hope Jackson will have one of these caring individuals as his teacher.
How will his classmates respond to him?
In preschool, Jackson had a friend that adored him. She would run to the car every day to give him a hug and take his hand to walk with him into school. During playdates, I’ve watched the two of them have full conversations, Jackson is mostly the listening side of the conversation 🙂 but he is engaged and I can see in his eyes that his friend make him happy and confident. I hope more than anything that Jackson will have many classmates this year that will want to be his friend. Not a mommy figure to him or a kid to whom they think they should be nice but don’t really include. I hope for kids that truly want to be his friends because they realize how awesome he is, real friends! But more than whether or not he will have real friendships, I worry that his classmates will make fun of him. But, having witnessed the pure eyes with which his pre school classmates saw him, I am optimistic he will be surrounded by caring classmates. I know having Jackson in their classroom will help them to be more accepting and understanding of all individuals. My hope is that Jackson will share many years of elementary school with his kindergarten classmates and they will always just think of him as Jackson, a great friend who is really fun to be around.
All the standard kindergarten worries and more
I understand kindergarten is a BIG deal and it is hard for almost all parents. For me, and other parents of a child with Down syndrome that I’ve talked to, our worries extend far past where most parents stop stressing. Like an ocean at high-tide countless waves of worry flow into our minds. I like to joke that the “Top 5 List of Worries” other parents have likely wouldn’t even make the “Top 20 List of Worries” that a parent of a child with Down syndrome has. For example, when it comes to lunch, my immediate concern is not will Jackson have a friend to sit with him in the cafeteria (I, of course, hope he does) but when I think about lunch my heart races and my mind fills with many “what if” scenarios like: “what if” he won’t walk all the way to the cafeteria, “what if” he can’t get his lunch box open, “what if” he doesn’t have enough time to finish his lunch (eating quickly has never been Jackson’s way), “what if” he won’t sit the whole lunch period. I could go on and on with other scenarios that play out in my mind daily like will he be safe on the playground, all things related to the potty, how will he respond to the lockdown and fire drills and what would happen in the case of a real emergency? I’ll stop there but I think you get the picture; the worries of a parent of a child with Down syndrome are far more basic and more complex all at the same time.
This is a BIG year!
I worry, of course, how could a chronic worrier not worry about the biggest event to-date in her child’s life. But, the many worries I’ve had about kindergarten have been hushed on several occasions by a heart that knows he is going to grow so much this year and hopefully, love school!
My excitement outweighs my concern. Thinking about the opportunity for him to grow academically and personally outweighs my worries about whether or not he will stay on task and do his work every day. Kindergarten will without a doubt be a year where he talks more, gains more independence and most importantly more self-confidence. I know he will thrive in an environment where he is fully included and valued for the wonderful things he brings. I hope he will come out of his kindergarten year with friendships that will last through his years in elementary school and beyond. I hope he feels a part of the class and is free to express himself. There will be bumps in the road but that is nothing new for us, we can get over bumps, we are used to 4-wheeling through life. So bring on kindergarten, we are ready!
For our son’s first birthday he got a gift certificate for one of those toddler gyms. We ultimately used the gift certificate for the music class they offered because he loves music, but we also tried one of the mommy-and-me “gym” sessions. When we entered, I remember hearing a variety of mom voices, “I know you can do it, climb up.” “Ella, you just did this yesterday, you can do it.” “My son started walking when he was 10 months old, how about your son?”
I think we were both a bit overwhelmed by the slightly chaotic ambiance. My son wasn’t interested in climbing on anything or even crawling across the mat, a skill he had just learned. He was content to just watch. I encouraged him to try the fun things the place had to offer but he wasn’t interested so I backed off, put him on my lap and he simply soaked in his surroundings. I’ve learned that watching and listening is one of the ways he learns best and he was gaining a lot from just being there. This experience is a moment that would later be one of clarity for me; this was the child I needed. He teaches me to stop and enjoy the journey rather than trying to rush to the finish line.
I know, without a doubt, I would have been one of those parents that are constantly seeking the next milestone before enjoying the accomplishment of the previous. The ones that want to have the kid that can climb the highest, walk early, can master anything immediately. I would have turned parenting into a competition rather than enjoying our individual journey. I needed a break from my self-imposed pressure to pursue perfection. I needed a fresh perspective and a greater appreciation for the little joys in life. That is exactly what I got when our eldest son was born with Down syndrome. My perspective on what is truly important and meaningful has changed drastically. My definition of success had relied heavily on evaluations and standards. I didn’t know my own measure of joy, it was all dependent on what society deemed most valuable. Now I understand happiness comes from a deep appreciation of all the “little things” that make life special, genuine and full of purpose. My son taught me more in his life than I had learned in all the previous years of mine. He continues to teach me to celebrate every little step along the way and to soak in all the fun and uniqueness of our journey.
From my first year in school, I was the kid in the class that loved school and worked really hard to achieve all “A’s.” My intense desire to conform to society’s standards of achievement continued through high school, into college and adulthood as I turned to marathon running as my outlet for challenging myself to achieve. But the pressure I placed on myself caused much stress and a life filled with more worry than bliss, more pressure than happiness.
Motherhood, no doubt would have been a continuation of my desires to meet the standards and have a child that was right on track, or better yet, ahead of the developmental milestones. But there I sat at a mommy-and-me class, with my son on my lap just soaking it all in with him. WOW! What a huge, albeit subtle, accomplishment. He showed me that he didn’t have anything to prove to this audience of his peers or their moms. He would do it all on his own time and he would do it for himself-not to meet developmental milestones. In that moment, my one-year-old son had already made me a more complete, peaceful person who enjoyed just sitting, watching and listening. Sitting there silent and still at a mommy-and-me class that was filled with movement and chatter made me feel a bit anxious and off balance but also oddly at peace. At the time, I didn’t realize the significance of that moment but looking back, it was pivotal. There are still plenty of moments that I feel uneasy and anxious in social situations because our son does things his way and that way isn’t always what’s expected nor does it match up with the developmental charts but he is filled from head-to-toe with a charisma and positive energy that is unmatched and I adore that about him.
He makes me so proud because he leads a genuine life; he isn’t afraid to show his joy or go at his pace. We celebrate BIG those things in life that might be insignificant to most, including the person I was before I had him. Some times the things most worth celebrating have nothing to do with an achievement at all.
As we prepare for kindergarten, our hope is that he will build friendships and gain more independence. Academics will take a back seat to what truly matters. This former straight “A” student, has learned from my son the importance of the things in life that can’t be measured on a test. Perfect report cards, elite marathon times and a slim frame are fleeting. But, the peace and strength that comes with doing things on one’s own terms and appreciating the things that make life worth living are lasting and bring joy daily. Loving relationships, kindness, and the positive mark a person leaves on the world are the true measures of success. Thanks to my son, I am learning how to be the best version of myself and I will continue to work hard to help him to be his personal best, fully-included, and on his own terms!
Disclaimer: This blog, like my others, is just one parent’s perspective and experience. I don’t claim to be an expert but rather am sharing our family’s experience in hopes of potentially helping others to make their IEP process more positive.
To start: let’s be real, parenting and advocating for a child on an IEP is hard! It is emotional, takes a lot of time, and energy and in return can cause feelings of dread, sadness, and anxiety. There really is no sugar-coating it, it can be downright dreadful, but with the right approach, I believe, IEP meetings can be collaborative and successful for all parties and most importantly the student. Here are some ideas that have worked well for my family, maybe they will work well for you too.
Do the “big picture” prep work and lay out a plan
Sometimes as parents of a child that is delayed, it is easier to only look at the present because too far into the future can be hard to predict but it is important to identify early what you and your child want in adulthood so you can always be working towards those goals in all aspects of his/her life. Of course, these goals may change, but for now, understanding what makes your child happiest and create some goals. For example, if you identify that your child is happiest when he/she accomplishes things on his/her own, perhaps a goal would be for the child to live independently or have a job when they are an adult. In order for that to happen, prepare in the way that is age appropriate at every stage of their lives. For our family, full inclusion in a general education classroom is going to give our son age appropriate, real life experience and increase his self-confidence so he can be independent. Secondly, research school districts early and find one that best meets the needs of your child. Some districts are exceptional at offering separate special education resources and others may be better at running inclusive classrooms. Know what your child needs and work your hardest to get into the district that best meets their needs. I spoke with parents early and often regarding school districts and from that information, we determined the district we wanted for our son and made many sacrifices and planned for years in advance in order to get him into a school we thought was best for him.
You know what is best for your child
Parents know their child best. Take confidence in that and use it to your advantage. An IEP meeting is a good time to highlight your child’s strengths (even brag a little) and work toward solutions to help them with their weaker areas. Never forget that the IEP is a collaborative process and YOU are a part of the team, not a spectator on the side lines, you are IN the game! Well before an IEP meeting, think about what is best for your child in the coming year and communicate your expectations to your child’s team. This is a general vision of how their school day (level of inclusion if any) will look like, not necessarily specific IEP goals. Once you know what is best for your child for the upcoming year, share your vision with the team so everybody is working towards the same goal. We did this at the beginning of the school year at parent teacher conferences and then again in a letter to the IEP team about two weeks before the IEP meeting. At parent teacher conferences our conversation was general; we knew full inclusion in a general education classroom was best for him. In our letter to the IEP team, we were more specific and gave some examples of IEP goals.
All communication with the team is important because that is how collaboration happens. Don’t limit communication to IEP meetings.
Drop the “us” vs. “them” mentality
I know there are some of you out there rolling your eyes at this one. I will admit, this can be a challenging perspective to have especially if the initial reaction you get from the school team to what you want for your child is less than full agreement with high-fives or you have had a bad experience that has put you on the defensive. Trust me, there were a couple of moments when I went into full mama bear mode (at home) and wanted to “put the smack down on.” BUT, rather than building a stone wall to protect ourselves, we worked towards building a bridge with the team. Creating a meaningful IEP is a collaborative process, not a battle that one side wins and the other loses. Keep the focus on the end goal, creating an education plan for your child that will ensure they have the greatest success in the classroom and beyond. Relationships with the members of the IEP team are important. Don’t look at it as sucking up to somebody just to get what you want because first, that isn’t a relationship and second, I doubt it will work. Being genuinely interested in contributing and being a part of the team is the key.
Gratitude goes a long way
We all know it: parenting is hard and sometimes our child is having a bad day, are unwilling to do anything and honestly just isn’t that fun to be around. Don’t forget that your child’s team also experiences those types of days with your child that isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. Be grateful for quality teachers that work with your child to help them to reach their IEP goals. When you look at the IEP process as a collaborative team working together to achieve the best for your child, you are much more likely to seek out opportunities to be grateful for everything the team is doing for your child rather than thinking they are working against you. Share your gratitude; write thank you notes, emails and say thank you every day at pickup. Looking at this process from the view point of the other members of the team and understanding the time and work they put in, it becomes easy to be grateful for what they are contributing to your child’s education and more importantly his/her quality of life.
Do your homework
When you are talking about your child’s quality of life and future (short term and long-term) don’t overlook the importance of understanding the laws that govern special education. This is where a balance comes into play. Yes, be kind, show gratitude, and take a team approach, BUT, also let the team know that you know what your child has a legal right to at school. The more knowledgeable a parent is of the laws governing special education, the more seriously they are going to be taken. Educate yourself so you will be taken seriously and if needed you can remind the team of their legal obligation. Here are some key legislation and terminology that I think is most important for parents to have at a minimum, a basic understanding of when advocating for their child. The “biggie” is the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act 2004) which states: “Disability is a natural part of the human experience and in no way diminishes the right of individuals to participate in or contribute to society. Improving educational results for children with disabilities is an essential element of our national policy of ensuring equality of opportunity, full participation, independent living, and economic self-sufficiency for individuals with disabilities.”
And as a part of IDEA, “Least restrictive environment (LRA)” which states that a child should be placed in the least restrictive environment as the first option and only if their disability prohibits them from being in that environment will they be moved.
At a local level, more specific to your child, research the state standards for the grade level they are going into. I used our state’s standards for kindergarten to guide the suggestions for IEP goals. It just made sense to me that there would be less push-back if I showed an understanding of what would be required of a typical student and picked out the pieces of each standard that I knew our son could accomplish or would be most important to him gaining confidence and independence. We were asking for him to be a part of a general education classroom, I wanted to emphasize that we expected him to learn the same material as the other students but that the way he accomplished it may need be modified to meet his needs.
Go on the school website and each teacher’s individual page to become knowledgeable about what a typical day looks like in his/her classroom. This can again help to guide IEP goals and when you reference information from the school website in an IEP meeting it increases your credibility in the eyes of the team at the school and may even score you some brownie points (and what parent couldn’t use brownie points in an IEP meeting!) To take it a step further you can ask for a meeting with one of the teachers to learn more about the flow of the day and expectations. Because I found some web pages to reference I did not feel the need to request an additional meeting and time from the principal or teachers at the school.
Lead with kindness
We were fortunate that our IEP meeting was taking place at our son’s home school and we went in knowing he would receive inclusion so we were genuinely grateful just to be there. I started the meeting by sharing how grateful my husband and I were to be there and how much we appreciated the team meeting to discuss what was best for our son. I also made it very apparent that we understood that we were a part of the team and how we were eager to collaborate with the rest of the team. I can guarantee there will be a time during the meeting that the school team and parents don’t agree. Rather than going on the defensive and jumping to the conclusion “they don’t want what is best for my child,” take it as an opportunity to reach a mutually agreeable decision in a respectful and kind manner. Again, I know that can be a challenge especially if the team isn’t leading with kindness themselves but changing the atmosphere in the room with your kindness can change the course of the meeting. Genuine kindness and appreciation go a long way and with any luck, your kindness and appreciation will be reciprocated and the whole meeting will be positive.
You got this!
Never forget creating an IEP is a collaborative process and YOU are an important part of the team, not a spectator just observing. You do have control over the outcome. Know what you want for your child (short term and long term), educate yourself on the laws governing special education, lead with kindness and be a part of the team collaborating to create an individualized education plan that will benefit your child. With any luck, you will have a positive IEP meeting which will generate an IEP that will help your child to reach their fullest potential. You got this!
IDEA – Building The Legacy of IDEA 2004. (2017). Idea.ed.gov. Retrieved 12 July 2017, from http://idea.ed.gov/