For our son’s first birthday he got a gift certificate for one of those toddler gyms. We ultimately used the gift certificate for the music class they offered because he loves music, but we also tried one of the mommy-and-me “gym” sessions. When we entered, I remember hearing a variety of mom voices, “I know you can do it, climb up.” “Ella, you just did this yesterday, you can do it.” “My son started walking when he was 10 months old, how about your son?”
I think we were both a bit overwhelmed by the slightly chaotic ambiance. My son wasn’t interested in climbing on anything or even crawling across the mat, a skill he had just learned. He was content to just watch. I encouraged him to try the fun things the place had to offer but he wasn’t interested so I backed off, put him on my lap and he simply soaked in his surroundings. I’ve learned that watching and listening is one of the ways he learns best and he was gaining a lot from just being there. This experience is a moment that would later be one of clarity for me; this was the child I needed. He teaches me to stop and enjoy the journey rather than trying to rush to the finish line.
I know, without a doubt, I would have been one of those parents that are constantly seeking the next milestone before enjoying the accomplishment of the previous. The ones that want to have the kid that can climb the highest, walk early, can master anything immediately. I would have turned parenting into a competition rather than enjoying our individual journey. I needed a break from my self-imposed pressure to pursue perfection. I needed a fresh perspective and a greater appreciation for the little joys in life. That is exactly what I got when our eldest son was born with Down syndrome. My perspective on what is truly important and meaningful has changed drastically. My definition of success had relied heavily on evaluations and standards. I didn’t know my own measure of joy, it was all dependent on what society deemed most valuable. Now I understand happiness comes from a deep appreciation of all the “little things” that make life special, genuine and full of purpose. My son taught me more in his life than I had learned in all the previous years of mine. He continues to teach me to celebrate every little step along the way and to soak in all the fun and uniqueness of our journey.
From my first year in school, I was the kid in the class that loved school and worked really hard to achieve all “A’s.” My intense desire to conform to society’s standards of achievement continued through high school, into college and adulthood as I turned to marathon running as my outlet for challenging myself to achieve. But the pressure I placed on myself caused much stress and a life filled with more worry than bliss, more pressure than happiness.
Motherhood, no doubt would have been a continuation of my desires to meet the standards and have a child that was right on track, or better yet, ahead of the developmental milestones. But there I sat at a mommy-and-me class, with my son on my lap just soaking it all in with him. WOW! What a huge, albeit subtle, accomplishment. He showed me that he didn’t have anything to prove to this audience of his peers or their moms. He would do it all on his own time and he would do it for himself-not to meet developmental milestones. In that moment, my one-year-old son had already made me a more complete, peaceful person who enjoyed just sitting, watching and listening. Sitting there silent and still at a mommy-and-me class that was filled with movement and chatter made me feel a bit anxious and off balance but also oddly at peace. At the time, I didn’t realize the significance of that moment but looking back, it was pivotal. There are still plenty of moments that I feel uneasy and anxious in social situations because our son does things his way and that way isn’t always what’s expected nor does it match up with the developmental charts but he is filled from head-to-toe with a charisma and positive energy that is unmatched and I adore that about him.
He makes me so proud because he leads a genuine life; he isn’t afraid to show his joy or go at his pace. We celebrate BIG those things in life that might be insignificant to most, including the person I was before I had him. Some times the things most worth celebrating have nothing to do with an achievement at all.
As we prepare for kindergarten, our hope is that he will build friendships and gain more independence. Academics will take a back seat to what truly matters. This former straight “A” student, has learned from my son the importance of the things in life that can’t be measured on a test. Perfect report cards, elite marathon times and a slim frame are fleeting. But, the peace and strength that comes with doing things on one’s own terms and appreciating the things that make life worth living are lasting and bring joy daily. Loving relationships, kindness, and the positive mark a person leaves on the world are the true measures of success. Thanks to my son, I am learning how to be the best version of myself and I will continue to work hard to help him to be his personal best, fully-included, and on his own terms!