Disclaimer: This blog, like my others, is just one parent’s perspective and experience. I don’t claim to be an expert but rather am sharing our family’s experience in hopes of potentially helping others to make their IEP process more positive.
To start: let’s be real, parenting and advocating for a child on an IEP is hard! It is emotional, takes a lot of time, and energy and in return can cause feelings of dread, sadness, and anxiety. There really is no sugar-coating it, it can be downright dreadful, but with the right approach, I believe, IEP meetings can be collaborative and successful for all parties and most importantly the student. Here are some ideas that have worked well for my family, maybe they will work well for you too.
Do the “big picture” prep work and lay out a plan
Sometimes as parents of a child that is delayed, it is easier to only look at the present because too far into the future can be hard to predict but it is important to identify early what you and your child want in adulthood so you can always be working towards those goals in all aspects of his/her life. Of course, these goals may change, but for now, understanding what makes your child happiest and create some goals. For example, if you identify that your child is happiest when he/she accomplishes things on his/her own, perhaps a goal would be for the child to live independently or have a job when they are an adult. In order for that to happen, prepare in the way that is age appropriate at every stage of their lives. For our family, full inclusion in a general education classroom is going to give our son age appropriate, real life experience and increase his self-confidence so he can be independent. Secondly, research school districts early and find one that best meets the needs of your child. Some districts are exceptional at offering separate special education resources and others may be better at running inclusive classrooms. Know what your child needs and work your hardest to get into the district that best meets their needs. I spoke with parents early and often regarding school districts and from that information, we determined the district we wanted for our son and made many sacrifices and planned for years in advance in order to get him into a school we thought was best for him.
You know what is best for your child
Parents know their child best. Take confidence in that and use it to your advantage. An IEP meeting is a good time to highlight your child’s strengths (even brag a little) and work toward solutions to help them with their weaker areas. Never forget that the IEP is a collaborative process and YOU are a part of the team, not a spectator on the side lines, you are IN the game! Well before an IEP meeting, think about what is best for your child in the coming year and communicate your expectations to your child’s team. This is a general vision of how their school day (level of inclusion if any) will look like, not necessarily specific IEP goals. Once you know what is best for your child for the upcoming year, share your vision with the team so everybody is working towards the same goal. We did this at the beginning of the school year at parent teacher conferences and then again in a letter to the IEP team about two weeks before the IEP meeting. At parent teacher conferences our conversation was general; we knew full inclusion in a general education classroom was best for him. In our letter to the IEP team, we were more specific and gave some examples of IEP goals.
All communication with the team is important because that is how collaboration happens. Don’t limit communication to IEP meetings.
Drop the “us” vs. “them” mentality
I know there are some of you out there rolling your eyes at this one. I will admit, this can be a challenging perspective to have especially if the initial reaction you get from the school team to what you want for your child is less than full agreement with high-fives or you have had a bad experience that has put you on the defensive. Trust me, there were a couple of moments when I went into full mama bear mode (at home) and wanted to “put the smack down on.” BUT, rather than building a stone wall to protect ourselves, we worked towards building a bridge with the team. Creating a meaningful IEP is a collaborative process, not a battle that one side wins and the other loses. Keep the focus on the end goal, creating an education plan for your child that will ensure they have the greatest success in the classroom and beyond. Relationships with the members of the IEP team are important. Don’t look at it as sucking up to somebody just to get what you want because first, that isn’t a relationship and second, I doubt it will work. Being genuinely interested in contributing and being a part of the team is the key.
Gratitude goes a long way
We all know it: parenting is hard and sometimes our child is having a bad day, are unwilling to do anything and honestly just isn’t that fun to be around. Don’t forget that your child’s team also experiences those types of days with your child that isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. Be grateful for quality teachers that work with your child to help them to reach their IEP goals. When you look at the IEP process as a collaborative team working together to achieve the best for your child, you are much more likely to seek out opportunities to be grateful for everything the team is doing for your child rather than thinking they are working against you. Share your gratitude; write thank you notes, emails and say thank you every day at pickup. Looking at this process from the view point of the other members of the team and understanding the time and work they put in, it becomes easy to be grateful for what they are contributing to your child’s education and more importantly his/her quality of life.
Do your homework
When you are talking about your child’s quality of life and future (short term and long-term) don’t overlook the importance of understanding the laws that govern special education. This is where a balance comes into play. Yes, be kind, show gratitude, and take a team approach, BUT, also let the team know that you know what your child has a legal right to at school. The more knowledgeable a parent is of the laws governing special education, the more seriously they are going to be taken. Educate yourself so you will be taken seriously and if needed you can remind the team of their legal obligation. Here are some key legislation and terminology that I think is most important for parents to have at a minimum, a basic understanding of when advocating for their child. The “biggie” is the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act 2004) which states: “Disability is a natural part of the human experience and in no way diminishes the right of individuals to participate in or contribute to society. Improving educational results for children with disabilities is an essential element of our national policy of ensuring equality of opportunity, full participation, independent living, and economic self-sufficiency for individuals with disabilities.”
And as a part of IDEA, “Least restrictive environment (LRA)” which states that a child should be placed in the least restrictive environment as the first option and only if their disability prohibits them from being in that environment will they be moved.
At a local level, more specific to your child, research the state standards for the grade level they are going into. I used our state’s standards for kindergarten to guide the suggestions for IEP goals. It just made sense to me that there would be less push-back if I showed an understanding of what would be required of a typical student and picked out the pieces of each standard that I knew our son could accomplish or would be most important to him gaining confidence and independence. We were asking for him to be a part of a general education classroom, I wanted to emphasize that we expected him to learn the same material as the other students but that the way he accomplished it may need be modified to meet his needs.
Go on the school website and each teacher’s individual page to become knowledgeable about what a typical day looks like in his/her classroom. This can again help to guide IEP goals and when you reference information from the school website in an IEP meeting it increases your credibility in the eyes of the team at the school and may even score you some brownie points (and what parent couldn’t use brownie points in an IEP meeting!) To take it a step further you can ask for a meeting with one of the teachers to learn more about the flow of the day and expectations. Because I found some web pages to reference I did not feel the need to request an additional meeting and time from the principal or teachers at the school.
Lead with kindness
We were fortunate that our IEP meeting was taking place at our son’s home school and we went in knowing he would receive inclusion so we were genuinely grateful just to be there. I started the meeting by sharing how grateful my husband and I were to be there and how much we appreciated the team meeting to discuss what was best for our son. I also made it very apparent that we understood that we were a part of the team and how we were eager to collaborate with the rest of the team. I can guarantee there will be a time during the meeting that the school team and parents don’t agree. Rather than going on the defensive and jumping to the conclusion “they don’t want what is best for my child,” take it as an opportunity to reach a mutually agreeable decision in a respectful and kind manner. Again, I know that can be a challenge especially if the team isn’t leading with kindness themselves but changing the atmosphere in the room with your kindness can change the course of the meeting. Genuine kindness and appreciation go a long way and with any luck, your kindness and appreciation will be reciprocated and the whole meeting will be positive.
You got this!
Never forget creating an IEP is a collaborative process and YOU are an important part of the team, not a spectator just observing. You do have control over the outcome. Know what you want for your child (short term and long term), educate yourself on the laws governing special education, lead with kindness and be a part of the team collaborating to create an individualized education plan that will benefit your child. With any luck, you will have a positive IEP meeting which will generate an IEP that will help your child to reach their fullest potential. You got this!
IDEA – Building The Legacy of IDEA 2004. (2017). Idea.ed.gov. Retrieved 12 July 2017, from http://idea.ed.gov/